After hell week is over, I get time to work in a smoother schedule. They want me to work all the time, but I cant. Everyone is out partying getting drunk while I work for them to pleasure themselves. My family parties too much (at least they dont do fucked up drugs). Today I woke up early to find out that practice wasnt until later. I picked up May on the way to the temple. Everything was alright, I got my part down. Daniel took off to Tahoe and didnt tell anybody so it threw us off, but we found a replacement just in case. I didnt get a call from my boss for the airport, so I might just give up. I got so many calls today, even some to go work for people. Tomorrow I have to go take my car to fix, take my siblings to dentist, then go dance practice, then go to work. Such a busy person. I got really angry today but I dont think anyone noticed. I don’t like to kill the mood. After all, I’m okay now.
Here’s the day of my final. If I get an A, I will pass the class. Even a high B. I hope I can do it. Wish me luck. Tuesday, I studied all day and had to take my sister to the dentist. I tried to call my boss, but she didnt pick up. I’m going to visit the airport today.
I have my day off Monday Tuesday and Wednesday just to study. Out of all the days where I wanted to study, they give it to me on the last few days. Everything they do is always on the last few days. Everything is so fucked up. I’m becoming fucked up myself. Nobody’s here to help me but myself. No friends. No family. Because no one cant. If I’ve suicided already, who will notice?
Sunday morning, 1:35AM. Saturday was horrible. Work was horrible. After work (on friday) I thought I would go to sleep, but then I ended up just napping. Too many things were going on and it was getting me agitated. So I have to pay 1200$ to fix my car when I was saving for another car. Damn man. So I gotta fix my benz. Anyways, Saturday I got ready around 11AM and then waited for May to respond to my text. She didnt respond so I was going to head straight to the temple. She ended up responding RIGHT when I touched my throttle. So I picked May and Ashley up, and went to send Ashley home first. After that we were on our way to the temple. I practice my parts but I forgot a lot of it because of trying to raise my grades in school. It felt like forever since the last time I danced. After that, I headed straight to work, and now the fun starts. I had to open my restaurant, and there was already a line of people waiting. I had a co-worker but shes new, so all she knows how to do is clean tables, fill up water, seat customers, use the cash register and credit card reader, and pack up togo. She’s a hard worker for 50 years old. We were dying because we were short on people. Then it ended up that my cousin didnt come to work. What the fuck. My aunt came to take her place and told me she went to monterey to party, and then she didnt come back in time, so she just went home. What the fuck. I got so angry. I hate how they always use me. Workers just ditch work whenever they want. But when I do, I get yelled at for days and days and days. My aunt spoils her nephews, except for me. So fucking stupid. Some people don’t respect others. Even though I’m younger, they should respect me as well. I have my rights at work.
About 4 AM in the morning. I’m so stressed. I took a test on Friday with only 4 hours of sleep, and here I am now with no sleep at all. Even though I only have 2 college classes, this is the busiest year I’ve ever had in my life. Today, I have to dance, then go to work. Sunday, I really dont need to do anything. Monday, I have to study hard for finals, then go to work. Tuesdays, Finals, then work. Wednesdays, Finals, then work. Thursday, nothing. Maybe dance practice. Friday, stay home. Go to work. Saturday, Thai classical night with little practice. That’s going to be the last time I’m going to dance. No more! I’m too busy. If people depend on me to dance and work, it’s a tough situation. I hate it when I’m all happy, and then in a second it all turns around. I need to change my thinking. It’s tough. “Be Happy” are just two words with no effect. Useless help from people, but at least they are taking the minimal effort. STRESS = LOSS OF LIFE
I recieved my test back, and I got 56% YES! better than my lowest one. But I’m not satisfied because I’m taking stats for the third time. Too much restaurant work + too much school work = fail. No way I can pass with like 8 hours of study time a week. I’m going to be working 25 hours a week during the summer to catch up with some money. I wont be able to see my friends, but I guess its alright. They’re all going to be busy anyways -.- so I’ll occupy myself until I leave to my future job. Sometimes I just want to go somewhere far far away and meet new people. Car design is a unique job. And is one of the top 3 competitive jobs in the world. SUCKS! It’s going to be crazy to get a job. 1% success, and 99% fail. Will I be that 1%? Can I make it through? Most likely not. What makes it interesting is to shoot for something that we are not able to obtain. Something we want and something we will never have. It only matters because we try to achieve the impossible when we know its not true. After school, I came home depressed and ate 5 Ice cream bars and played video games for 8 hours. None of my friends were available today so I wasnt able to hang out with anyone. I really need to pick up in life. I’m glad I’m ahead of most of my friends. I’m not sleeping tonight due to video games and homework to do. I have to work after that too. 5pm to 10pm with no sleep. I can do it.
So I get 1 day off this week, and I hope it helps. I’ve got an exam coming wednesday. I also want to get a haircut tomorrow. I was hella busy today. Went to school, went to airport, went to deposit my checks into the bank, had to go smog my car but couldnt… A lot of stuff to do. My car didnt pass smog because it had a check engine light, and I needed that fixed before I can smog it.
I’ve worked on my part of the lab, and I hope my other group members will finish the rest. I’ve got a feeling they wont do it. But whatever. I don’t care anymore because I’m probably going to fail stats. Time is running low, and I gotta keep up with the class with infinite hours of work. Oh, I also get to know if I get my job on Tuesday :D
I ran out of time to do everything I needed today. I wanted to go see my manager, but couldnt go. Wanted to finish my lab, but couldnt finish. I just went to work and here I am now. I dont have much to type, because that’s all I did… Good news is that when I reach around 2000 bucks, I’m putting a down payment on a car that I want. 1000 more bucks and I hope to get my dream car. After that. Nothing else matters :)
I’m so busy I have time to do NOTHING… I have to do homework, go to see my manager because she didnt call back, and go to work after that. Time is so fucking short. I hate the stress that’s put on me. I work 30 hours a week with only 15 hours to spare for my free time.
Everytime I have finals, I get a hell of a schedule to work 40 hours a week. Since De Anza’s college ends 1 month later, Everyone gets off college early, so my employees go on vacation. They dont unsterstand that I have to STUDY. They say they do, but they dont. I have horrible thoughts going on. Everytime I get over stressed, I dont care what happens to me. I become careless, fearless, and suicidal.
Was tired from sleeping late last night, so I woke up late again. Like 9AM. My class starts in half an hour from that. I attended math class and I found out that my stats group ditched me, so I went to find another one. I joined one, but they suck. I can tell I’ll be doing all the work again. What bitches. I went home and ditched physics because I was tired. I couldn’t sleep though, so I might as well just went to physics class. After that I went to sleep for an hour, and was late to work by like 10 minutes. It was my restaurant so it doesnt really matter.
I found that my working schedule is going to be arranged horribly. I have to work a lot more EVEN when I have to study for finals. All the other workers get days off to study for finals, but I dont. They abuse their rights. They know it. I can’t quit my job either. It’s the only job I have. I called the ATS again but they didnt pick up? What the hell. It wasnt too busy at work. I got a few bucks for tip. I also got my paycheck so that’s a plus to my bank. I’m glad that my savings are skyrocketing. I’ll be able to get my dream car in no time. Right now, I’ll be sitting doing some homework until the morning. Nothing interesting today. Everything is so boring when I work full time, and study at the same pace. Crazy stuff.
Woke up at around 9am… That’s the time I leave my house to go De Anza. I made it on time with a few seconds to spare. We learned about more independent and dependent samples and there’s more to come on Friday. I have to work the last lab of the quarter. It requires a hell of a lot of work. It’s like 4 labs put into 1 with only 4 days to complete it. After stats, I went home and took a shower and ate some food. I then attended physics and learned about atoms and matter. Really good stuff. When I went home, my dad arrived a few minutes after me to give me food. Awesome. I was invited to go Mad Fish with my buddies, but then I believe I wouldnt have time to go. Ended up I actually DID NOT have time to go. I went to costco to buy some stuff for my aunt and cousin. When I tried to buy stuff, I found out that my card was expired. What… I bought movie tickets when it was expired then haha.
I renewed it for 50$ and then we headed home because Kevin and Sarah were at my house…. We decided to go valley fair because I wanted Jamba Juice. We went to our regular stores and then we went back to our house because Kev forgot something. I came home and played some video games and stopped after 2 hours to work on homework. I’m currently doing drivers ed online and it SUCKS. I have to wait like 50 seconds to press the “next” button. Oh well. Tomorrow, I plan to call my manager for work again to see if she got my message. I doubt I got the job now. It’s just a feeling. Tomorrow, I’ll just go school, then go work, then sleep. Simple. All my other friends have so much free time lol. It’s tough to work a full schedule. I guess this is what I’ll do. I’m growing further from my closer friends. Nothing lasts forever.
Woke up so early today and getting texts from huge panda asking why I’m awake. I get ready for school and head on to class. Got my quiz back and did damn good. We went over some new material but it was pretty easy. I got everything in a flash. After stats class, I was going to go home, but then found my friend Peter. We ended up going to Quickly and bought some drinks and snacks. We had to walk around the whole shopping plaza because it wasnt open till 11am, and we went there at 10:45. Peter went to stop by a book store to buy a book, but ended up he’s just going to check it out at the library instead.
We headed back towards my physics class, and Peter took off and I went to class. I learned about Voltage in physics and how it can kill a person. Funky material today. When I got home, I played Jurassic park with my bro until Mogo BBQ started selling food. We eventually left at like 9 when we planned to go at 7. Before we got home, we got expensive Orange cream soda, and I shared my food with my siblings. A burrito for myself, Amy, and Ronny. As usual, Amy spilled the burrito in my room within 10 seconds of walking in my room with food. I’ll have to clean it up sometime, but right now I’m tired. I created a car on photoshop for Kevin so he can imagine what his car can look like if he modded it. I called my manager back today and I hope I get a call back. I’m also worried about the drug test.
Some people say that they test for alcohol, and I could fail. Alcohol can be found n the hair, so I’ll see what happens. Anyways, I’ll be going to bed now. Nothing special today.
She held my hand. We ate dinner together. We took long walks in the rain. I whisper to her. She whispers to me. Amazing. We took pictures together. We cuddled when it was cold. It was the time of my life. I thought I was the happiest man alive. We went shopping together. We walked the side of the ocean together…
Then I woke up. F*CK! LOL its ok, single for life if I dont find anyone. We shoulda banged in the dream.
So I shook off my sleepiness and went to math class. Ended up I had another quiz and I didnt know it because I missed the day before to attend an interview. I plan to call tomorrow for the job. I attended physics class and learned about static electricity and electric potential. Great stuff. I’m surprised I did ok on my math quiz without even studying. After class, I headed home to send my siblings to the dentist, and then went home to get ready for work -.- Then I left for work. I accidentally dropped a plate of food, but the food fell, not the plate. That’s the second time i dropped something this week. I was still angry. I found out that everyone is going on vacation except 4 workers. Which means that I have to work EVERY DAY. Why do they get vacation??? Whatever. Soon, I hope to get my ATS job and things will eventually get better. At least I think so. I’m sad right now. When I’m sad, I tend to do horrible things. Something I’m doing now. But only for me to remember.
I woke up and find Kevin at my house. I’m not surprised. I get ready and offer Kevin to go to the Airport with me for a job interview for ATS. I got lost finding what structure I needed to go to get my interview. We asked people where it was and a security said it might be towards the administration building. Ended up it was at the place we asked him. We walked back and forth to find out that the place I needed to go to was the place we were originally at? I met my interviewer named Dianne, and we proceeded towards the back of the airport. She was really nice, and she was able to let me open up about myself during the interview. She is considering me, but she wants to give me time to think about taking the job. Honestly, I really want it. Kev and I headed to Mitsuwa to grab some breakfast, and went home to watch “Howl’s Moving Castle”. After that, I decided to ditch physics because I was lazy. (I also ditched Stats class because the interview was during that time). I was thinking about going to eat with May, but I wasnt going to go if Kev didnt go. I ended up not going. I went to sleep for an hour and got a phone call that I had to work.
When I went to work, it wasnt so busy. I had to work for someone and I got angry because they called me at the last minute. Ying and her boyfriend and my cousin were at the restaurant. She always brings him and he always stares at me. Later, Ying decides to go home because it wasnt busy. They went home and I got even more angry. So I came to work for someone and she just goes home because it isnt busy. Shouldnt I be the one going home? I have less than a 50% in math and I want to get at least 95% on my final. I have less than 8 hours a week to study. I dont think I can make it. I got really frustrated this day, and things just keep getting worse. Everything else I don’t want to share. I hope I forget all this.
Overall, In the end I am thinking to myself. I hold the problems and secrets of so many people. I hold their trust. I feel like everything goes one way with me. I’m like a sponge. I gather all this information, and then people want to squeeze it out. It’s too late because I’ve dried out. My mind is killing me because I’m having so many problems at home and at work. My friends need my support as well but I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m losing myself so dearly. I started to let out some tears tonight. I couldnt hold it back. It’s embarassing. Even more when people see me. I just want to go to a hill where I can see the stars. I want to lay down and look deep into space. I’m sure everybody wonders once in a while… “Why Me?”